His name is GRUB HUB.
As such, most of my cruising experience has been done online and even more so with the advent of iPhones.
It’s frustrating to me; the need to categorize and quantify myself, because in turn it has made me think in the same way. Online I judge others by stats, weed out what I don’t want from those that I do. Knowing full well that the same process is being done to my profile (an avatar for my being, encapsulated), as I get weeded out from others’ consciousness.
Sex in general has been really frustrating for me all my life. As a survivor of childhood abuse and sexual trauma, I still carry some of this baggage in my sexual experiences as an adult. A lot of times I have trouble with intimacy and sex can be frustrating and at times triggering.
I realize we all carry these things, that we all have different histories about our relationship to our own bodies and how they interact intimately with other bodies. I think the digital era of data representations really doesn’t help to see one another as people deserving of compassion, care, and fulfillment in whatever consensual way (be it vanilla, kink, or anything else one desires).
I’m trying to decondition myself, find new ways of thinking and being and relating but it’s difficult and I slip back to my conditioned mode. I’ve just spent 2 hours trying to set up a rendezvous with someone, actually working with several different options, and none of them pan out. Perhaps for the better. Really, I try not to judge others. I just know what I want, I have an idea of what I need, but it’s not so easy getting it.
Now I’m just hungry, tired, and over it. I think I’ll make some food and watch Parks & Rec.
A scientist, but not one of the cool ones who still keep in touch with basic human values (like not being a dick). He was so condescending, mansplaining his research topic to me (“when I say species, I don’t mean a dog”) then challenging me to defend myself while I was talking about art, performance, colonialism, and Asian American social justice issues. And he was boring as fuck. Grew up outside of Chicago, studied and tutors science, and has lived in Lakeview for over 8 years, hates his job, thinks he’s way over-qualified, but doesn’t need to know proper spelling because he’s good at math.
He seemed cool and funny on the phone, but there was negative chemistry (ha! and he’s a chemist. how ironic) in person. It was so fucking uncomfortable. Most of the lunch was spent in silence. I couldn’t wait to get the check and bounce.
The turkey club I got was delicious though.
Who’s that girl that you dream of? #jerryblossom #fulldrag #gender #performance
Check out this interview I did with Nia King, a Bay Area artist/activist.
"Veteran. Fashion Designer. Yoga Instructor. This interview investigates the many lives of Kiam Marcelo Junio, world-traveler and former resident of the Philippines, Japan, and Spain. I sat down with him in Chicago to find out how he explores themes of colonialism, assimilation, and nostalgia through performance, queer "drag", and fashion. Highlights include:
- how his experience in the US Navy informs his critique of US imperialism,
- why being Filipino on stage is a political act, and
- when to intentionally shut out your audience.
Stay tuned until the end to hear Kiam’s attempts to explain the role of jockstraps in gay male sexual culture to me (to no avail).”
A transcript is also available in the link if you don’t feel like playing the audio file :)
I’ve stopped watching porn so I’m making my own.
NEWSFLASH: I’M GIVING UP PORN.
So I’ve decided to give up internet pornography for a while. Indefintely. Maybe forever. We’ll see. I’ve been watching porn for almost 20 years now, and though I think it’s become a part of developing sexuality, I can’t really say how healthy it is for me.
The first time I saw a pornographic film was when I was about 8 in the Philippines. We heard my uncle and a few of his buddies congregate in the living room. My neighborhood friends and I were playing in the yard and one of them ran up and said, “you’ve gotta see this!” We snuck around onto the porch, which had windows that looked into the living room, and there I saw for the first time (white) bodies fornicating. I already had a basic knowledge of sex (this goes there and that happens), but until then, had never seen it in action. My uncle and his friends were hollering and cheering at the TV, as if they were watching a sports game.
Gay porn came later. I was about 18 or so, and not yet out of the closet. In fact, I thought I was still straight, or maybe bi-curious. I had downloaded several straight porn videos before (through Napster, or whatever downloading software was popular at the time), and curiosity got the best of me when I stumbled upon male-male porn. I began downloading those, entranced by this new show of intimacy I had never seen or experienced before.
These days, I find that I use porn as a time-filler, a distraction, and easy, quick satisfaction. I’ve developed patterns of thinking such that I reason with myself that I can please myself better than anyone can, but usually with the aid of porn. I’m coming (ha!) to a time in my life where I’m looking to shift paradigms, and change my relationships with people on a real level. I feel that cutting out porn from the equation will help give me more time for myself to share with others.
Recently, I decided to start developing a sexual practice that’s about play, exploration, and discussing boundaries, rather than trying to replicate the power dynamics and patterns I see in pornography. The narrative of porn, especially gay porn, is very specific: meet, foreplay, full intercourse, cumshot, the end. I’ve been finding that I don’t particularly enjoy this pattern in real life, so why continue to reinforce that?
I am also trying to decolonize my mind from the constant barrage of white male domination in pornography (and, hello, in real life). And if it’s not white male domination, it’s usually black male primitivism, latin body objectification or blatant Orientalism. As I’m trying to disengage from these patterns of gaze in real life, I feel it’s only in keeping with this that I should also give up pornography.
I’ve already begun unfollowing the porn Tumblrs I follow. I’m getting ready to block myself from the websites I frequent. Another step, which I’m preparing myself for, is deleting my digital porn collection, which I’ve amassed over the years. I’m gonna see if I can just avoid clicking on them, but if that proves to be too difficult, I may delete them entirely. Time will tell.
This short TED talk goes over some of the other reasons and benefits for giving up porn. Granted, it’s told through only one (heterosexual male) perspective, but it’s worth a watch.
The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow (by TEDxTalks)
It’s like window shopping. Like, eh, ok, that’s nice. But it’s probably out of my price range, and I don’t think it’ll fit me anyway.I’d rather save up for a cute, original vintage piece.
More specifically, the vocal pipes.
I’ve been recording my rendition of Toni Braxton’s “He Wasn’t Man Enough” for a performance on Saturday.
THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD in the Philippines! These kids are amazing and so cute.
My friends and I would hold beauty pageants like this too, rearranging our clothes to make strange shapes, and adorning ourselves with plants. I remember one time I picked a bunch of flowers and put them in a piece of cellophane I found in the trash and made a bouquet as a first prize for the winner.
Another time, we had a pageant by the river, and we were wearing makeshift swimsuits. Someone wore a plastic bag (literally - arms through the handles, 2 holes at the bottom for their legs). I was in the final 2, and the question was “Who would you marry? A rich man or someone who loves you?” My competitor chose the rich man, so they could have a better life (snap, snap, snap. that’s real). I chose someone who loves me because when someone loves you, you always feel rich (damn, that’s real too). Of course, I won.
It’s strange how a video can transport you back 20 years as if it were last week. Had I seen this video a few years ago when I was still in the military and uncomfortable with my femininity, I would have felt weirdly embarrassed. But now, I’m cheering on these kids (WERQQQQ!) like they deserve to be cheered.
TONIGHT! I will be reading journal excerpts from my first year in the US Navy as a gay man during Don’t Ask Don’t Tell - Including a play by play of how I lost my V-card with a fellow sailor. Come enjoy the show!
Making Out with Wes Perry and Friends
Wednesday February 20th at 8pm
The Upstairs Gallery in Andersonville
5219 N Clark St
FREE and BYOB! ($5 suggested donation)
December 22, 2010
Today, more than any other day,
I am proud to be serving in the US Armed Forces.
Camera: Polaroid SX-70
Film: Polaroid SX-70 Time Zero
(3/10 from my next-to-last box of last stock TZ film)
Film Reviews: I am starting a series of film reviews and recommendations. I’ve always been a conscientious viewer of “foreign” cinema (in quotes because I don’t believe in the term “foreign” which inherently brings divisions in “US” vs. “them,” much in the same whay that Orientalism functions), documentaries, and other non-Hollywood films, and I’d like to share my thoughts on them, and perhaps facilitate discussion.
On Netflix Streaming:
Marco Berger, 2009
"After he is dumped by his girlfriend, Bruno plans a cold, sweet vengeance. Intent on eroding the couple’s relationship, he befriends her new boyfriend Pablo. Will he introduce Pablo to another woman, or go for Plan B and seduce him himself? Thus, Bruno embarks on a perilous romantic journey that calls his own sexuality into question."
Despite the seemingly-straightforward comedic synopsis of this film, Plan B is a surprisingly refreshing modern romance.
It succeeds in holding an exquisite sexual tension through the interactions of the two male leads, as they get to know one another. The framing choices are very deliberate, holding the shot for long periods of time on the characters’ faces and nervous ticks, showing their internal debates, doubts, and desires. The acting and chemistry are superb, and through a mechanized smile, or in holding back a genuine reaction, the viewer is held in tension along with the characters.
The way the two men’s relationship develops is also handled with a lot of respect and care. As a gay male viewer, I was transported to the feeling of adolescence (an era over which the characters connect) and the discovery of new feelings, new ways to gaze, new aches that set the heart racing; uncharted sexual and emotional landscapes, exciting, and the results highly unpredictable.
The girlfriend character, Laura, could have been better developed, however. In here, she serves mostly as a plot advancer, which is quite unfortunate, as I would have liked to know her own motivations for dating one man or the other.
Nevertheless, I really enjoyed this film, and if you’re looking for a romance without the typical banality of Hollywood trappings, you should really check this out.
Plan B - Trailer
Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots?
Flaming Challenges to Masculinity, Objectification, and the Desire to Conform
Gay culture has become a nightmare of consumerism, whether it’s an endless quest for Absolut vodka, Diesel jeans, rainbow Hummers, pec implants, or Pottery Barn. Whatever happened to sexual flamboyance and gender liberation, an end to marriage, the military, and the nuclear family? As backrooms are shut down to make way for wedding vows, and gay sexual culture morphs into “straight-acting dudes hangin’ out,” what are the possibilities for a defiant faggotry that challenges the assimilationist norms of a corporate-cozy lifestyle?
Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? challenges not just the violence of straight homophobia but the hypocrisy of mainstream gay norms that say the only way to stay safe is to act straight: get married, join the military, adopt kids! Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore reinvokes the anger, flamboyance, and subversion once thriving in gay subcultures in order to create something dangerous and lovely: an exploration of the perils of assimilation; a call for accountability; a vision for change. A sassy and splintering emergency intervention!
About the editor:
Called “startlingly bold and provocative” by Howard Zinn, and described as “a cross between Tinkerbell and a honky Malcolm X with a queer agenda” by The Austin Chronicle, Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore is undoubtedly one of America’s most outspoken queer critics. She is the author of two novels, including, most recently, So Many Ways to Sleep Badly, and is the editor of four nonfiction anthologies, including Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity and That’s Revolting! Queer Strategies for Resisting Assimilation.